Desire: the lost chapters (his vices)

By the time you read this I’ll either be severely injured, inebriated, or in prison – possibly all of the above. Or simply just “gone”. I know I haven’t been the best dancer, lover or listener… Okay let’s cut the crap.
I deflect 99% of conversation directed towards me, I fell asleep during LOTR, I spill water all over the bathroom floor, and I go over my data limit every month. Simply put, I’m a bad person. But I’m not sure thats a bad thing. I’ve come to the realization over the time I’ve spent without you that we all simultaneously live in two separate worlds, and I’m not talking about that hell on earth vs the heavenly gates that await us bologna either.

No my sweet streetcar, we live in firstly our minds, and second in our reality. Think about all the imagination you had as a child: princesses and castles, dragons and mythical Utopias. We were able to be whoever or whatever we wanted to be before reality even mattered. As we grew, we were forced into the second part of our lives: the reality. The looks, the success, the body weight, the money- all things that drove us to exceed in this life diminished our once upon a time lives that had endless possibilities.

Now don’t get me wrong, reality is needed, without it we couldn’t have the life we live inside to call on. However, it’s sad to see that reality does put a toll on our mind. As reality becomes pressingly more important than the days of endless imagination, our mind begins to harbor all the negativity for us to recall on whenever we’re down, our mind begins to kick us. Maybe it’s the brains way of saying ” let’s go back to the good days” knowing full well that can never be. Whatever the reason, my imagination has been damaged by the reality of not having you in my life anymore, and it seems the sickness is spreading. I have you here, in my mind- but it’s no longer good enough. Maybe that’s why we have to grow up in the first place- to make the things we dream about a reality. As difficult as that sounds it only gets more complex when our mind begins to wonder again. It makes me wonder if the jockey is still in control of the horse, or if he even climbed the equestrian. I digress, it seems the world was never meant for me to have you both in my mind and reality, so why has it left me feeling alone in both?

I want to thank you for playing the role of the princess in the castle, even if I never get past this dragon they call the rest of the world. Fear not milady; I rescue you every night, because when I close my eyes, the dragon doesn’t even exist.

Adorn always,

M.D.

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About 50 shadesof jay

I figure I can browse for a home on the line, faster than i'll be able to buy one made of bricks.
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